the beauty of being alone

people always say that you find happiness in others. in my vast seventeen years, life has taught me otherwise.

let’s rewind back to seventh grade. ah yes, the glory days. if i ever were to meet the girl i was back then, i would plug my ears due to her awkward nasally voice screaming to everyone about the crazy fact that jeff and brittany just hugged by the basketball hoop. then, i would want to sit her down and tell her about how meaningless everything she worried about really was.

from seventh grade until sophomore year, i was totally consumed with the idea of popularity. i was as nosy as could be, stressing myself out over what other people were doing instead of how i was living my own life. i wouldn’t even glance in the direction of kids i didn’t know, and was obsessed with being in control of my own little circle. the drama going on around me was my fuel, and knowing everything about everyone was my finish line.

then junior year hit. i finally slowed down to look around, and came to the nauseating realization that almost everybody around me was nowhere to be found. yes they still commented on my over edited Instagram posts, yes they still texted me to ask if i heard about what happened at so and so’s party last weekend, yes they were there. but they were useless. i fell into a such an intense state of self loathing. i hated who i had turned into and felt trapped by the social box that i had placed myself in. months and months went by of me feeling so alone, feeling like i had wasted so much time caring about all of the wrong things.

the whole hating my life thing got really exhausting. i was fed up with laying in my bed every weekend watching every thriller movie on Netflix. i was fed up with waiting for something good to happen. i was fed up with feeling empty. i was fed up with being envious of every life but my own.

so i picked up a shovel, and started the process of digging myself out of the deep hole of hatred i had created. how reassuring is it to remember that we have gotten through every day we didn't think we were strong enough for? step one in the pursuit of happiness: find a passion. whether it be a place or a person. a hobby or a career. find something. step two: run with it. i put all of my focus into photography and videography. i stopped looking at it as some unattainable dream and made it my reality. submerging yourself into something you love makes you wonder why you were ever sad in the first place. i found happiness in capturing every moment of my new life. i finally started living for myself.

forgive me if i sound harsh, but if your life sucks, that’s your own fault. i know because i’ve been there. if you don’t like who you are, you, and only you, possess the power of change. every person you meet, every place you go, and every experience you live through, is an opportunity to create the life you’ve dreamt of.

and here i am. sitting in a busy Colectivo, with the Lumineers album on shuffle, looking over the cute little town of Bay View, typing away. and i am alone. but i am happy. oh so happy.

mar